Thinking back to the days when I enjoyed lazing around on the Mikkelei’s lake without anyone around, wanderring alone in crowded streets of Tokyo, hopping on random trains alone and off to random station for random stroll, or trying food in strange diners alone, now I realise that during those days I did learn one thing (but now I forget): being able to be happy alone.Some people say I’m anti-social. It’s not really like that. It’s just that I don’t want to get emotionally dependent. Today -after two years I backed to my homecountry – I then find out that I have forgotten how to be happy alone and then become emotionally dependent. When I am in bad mood, I have crazy urge to find friends to trash my upset or dissappointment. We need jokes and bitching sessions to move on, and to live by. When it comes to sharing either upset or joy, I need several persons to share as one for me is not enough anymore. I’m emotionally dependent on a larger scale than I expected.
They say that sharing is caring. However, it’s only true for some occasions and for some specific types of people around us. In recent days, when I share something good about my life, I have sense that I would get implicit/ explicit jealousy or doubts from the sharees. When I share my upset about my life, I have felt paranoid that I would get more dissapointment in return for being a whiner, or overly serious life lectures like I’m living my life too stupid. That’s how pathetic to be an emotional dependant.
Life is only to be living, like I’m just travelling on the passage of time. I realise that sometimes I don’t like what I did, or my dreams, my decisions at some points in the past , but sometimes I find that my younger self in the past did lead a wiser , problem-proof life than my current self. Being able to be happy alone is what my younger self did better than my current self. And it’s not about entirely being alone, it’s about being able to enjoy being happy alone and don’t expose myself to “too many people”. Simple as that.